Top 5 Things We Could Do Without During The Holidays
The holiday season is in full swing and there's just so much to do! Did you get a gift for everyone? Are all of the decorations up and would they make Clark W. Griswold look like an amature? Time is tight and our wallets are getting even tighter. That's why I'm proud to present the Top 5 Things We Could Do Without During The Holidays.
Legend has it that there has one ever been one fruitcake made in the world and it's passed on from family to family. Thank you Johnny Carson. Seriously, I don't care how much brandy you soak that thing in I'm not going to eat it. Manitou Springs, Colorado, has hosted the Great Fruitcake Toss on the first Saturday of every January. "We encourage the use of recycled fruitcakes," says Leslie Lewis of the Manitou Springs Chamber of Commerce. The all-time Great Fruitcake Toss record is 1,420 feet, set in January 2007 by a group of eight Boeing engineers who built the "Omega 380," a mock artillery piece fueled by compressed air pumped by an exercise bike. Why keep making these things if we're going to toss them (in one way or another.) And by the way, that green thing in there is not a fruit or nut or food. I don't think anybody knows what it is. Could it be a government made material that tricks your brain into making you say, "sure I'll have a piece" every Christmas?
Nothing says "Merry Christmas!" like Uncle Fred hitting the peppermint schnappes and eggnog and proceeding to climb your family Christmas tree and proclaim he's one of Santa's Elves. There are also the party guests who get overly affectionate and need to be watched, especially if there are two of them and they're not married to each other. It is recommended that you keep all "drunkles" away from anything flammable and your Aunt Dottie who is married to the man, but instead of helping the situation throws out token helpful lines like "I don't why I married you," or "Yeah, go have another one!" Finally, make sure he's really your Uncle and not that nut from down the street. In all seriousness though, make sure Uncle Fred, you and all of your guests get home safely.
Does he look happy? Well, he isn't. What if I came over to you out of the blue and put a dopey hat on your head? Most likely you'd take it off. But then, what if I kept putting it back on over and over again? Eventually, you would tell me where to put my hat and slap me upside the head. Is there such a luck of humor in our lives that watching our poor animals try to get a hat, scarf, sweater, mitten or some piece of holiday clothing of themselves the only way we can get a chuckle? And what's with putting antlers on our pets? Go get an animal with real antlers! Catch a deer in your backyard. One more thing, no, our pets don't need sweaters to keep them warm. They have something called fur for that. So this Christmas, give Spot what he's really wanted all these years...a little dignity.
Rocks, debris, other cars, animals, the weather...all things that could harm our vehicle (and us) while on the road. The last think we need is a $15.95 loose plastic antler hurdling in our direction at 65mph while on The Garden State Parkway. This is not to mention how ridiculous they look. I mean come on! We have the outside of our houses, the inside of our houses, our offices and desks available to decorate for Christmas. We don't need to see your "Rudolphmobile." Oh yes, I said Rudolph. We'd be crazy to think that we could JUST be satisfied with antlers on our cars! We have to have the red nose to match, duh. And good news! The latest car antlers are, you ready, anti-theft. I imagine a vehicular antler theft in progress would go a little something like this:
(Innocent Civilian:) Hey! Stop right there! Where do you think you're going with those antlers? (Antler-Thief:) Um, I'm really sorry, I've just always wanted to you know see what it would be like to ride around in a car dressed as a giant reindeer. I just saw those sleek reindeer antlers atop your car and that big red nose glowing in the night and I couldn't help myself. I just lost control. I'm really sorry. (Innocent Civilian:) I completely understand. You know what, I have to be honest, I actually catch people stopping, staring and pointing my car out to people all time. I knew it was really was just a matter of time before someone went too far. You know what my friend, why don't you take this set. (Antler-Thief:) No I couldn't.(Innocent Civilian:) No, I insist, it was the best $15.95 that I've ever spent in my life. It really was the domino that changed my life, and I want you to have that, Merry Christmas!
I'm probably going to get left off a lot of people's Christmas card lists with this one, but here it goes. I enjoy getting Christmas greetings and have been known to send a few too, but they're just not complete without the uncomfortable family portrait. Whether it's a plethora of ugly sweaters or the obviously forced get together behind the camera, awkward family photos are key! We've all been a part of one. Why not spread the cheer to everyone? Oh, and if your Christmas card includes a "War And Peace" play-by-play of the past year, a funny picture is absolutely required. True story, I had friends who sent "the family letter" in their Christmas cards for years. I got used to it, had a laugh and never mentioned anything to them. But, someone must have because last year they sent out the usual stock letter with little Johnny flying to the moon and Suzie splitting the atom. They realized how ridiculous those letters can be and made good. Bottom line, get creative!