St. Patrick’s Day is coming — and every Jersey party needs an exit strategy

St. Patrick's Day has a way of making you think about gatherings. The good ones, the loud ones, the ones that went three hours longer than anyone planned. And this year, it got me thinking about something I never had a name for until somewhat recently — the way we leave those gatherings. Specifically, two very different philosophies. Two very different outcomes. And one of them once got me caught by my boss.

The Italian exit: the goodbye that becomes its own event

Growing up in a big Italian-American family from Mays Landing and Hammonton, leaving any holiday gathering was never simple. At some point in the evening, one parent would decide it was time to go. The other parent was never ready at the same time — that was a rule, apparently. So first came the negotiation between them. Then came the rounding up of the kids. Then came the announcement to the room that we were leaving, which triggered a cascade of final conversations, one more story from Uncle whoever, a fresh round of hugs and kisses, and at least two more trips back to the kitchen. From the moment someone said "we should get going" to the moment we actually got in the car, you could cook a full pot of Sunday sauce.

My brothers and I were dying. We just wanted to leave. We didn't know it had a name. Apparently, it's called the Italian Exit — and once you hear it, you can't unhear it.

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The Irish exit: fast, clean, and surprisingly guilt-ridden

The Irish Exit is the opposite. You're at a party, you're ready to go, and you simply... disappear. No announcement. No goodbye lap. No lingering at the door for twenty minutes. You're there, and then you're not. I didn't encounter this one until the 2000s, hanging out with neighbors at our local tiki bar. Someone would just vanish mid-conversation and you'd realize twenty minutes later they'd gone home. Efficient. Almost elegant.

Except it has a dark side.

A few years back, my wife and I pulled a clean Irish Exit from a friend's birthday party. Slipped out, no goodbyes, congratulated ourselves on the smooth departure. His phone call came before we'd made it out of the parking lot. The friend was also my boss. There is no recovering from being caught mid-Irish Exit by your boss at his own birthday party.

Which exit should you use this St. Patrick's Day?

The Irish Exit is faster and requires zero emotional energy. The Italian Exit is warm, a little chaotic, and — if we're being honest — probably the right way to leave a party where someone actually cooked for you and was glad you came.

This St. Patrick's Day, I'm crossing ethnic lines. I'm doing the Italian Exit.

Erin GO bragh — but make sure you say goodbye before you GO.