Lou and Liz Have Another Fight

Lou and I had a huge fight on the air this week. He says I don't know how to apologize the right way. So we had to bring in a therapist.

All I did was jokingly call him a loser when he said he got stood up at a restaurant. (Well, maybe that's not exactly how he phrased it, lol!)

How many times does Lou jokingly say something about me and I just laugh it off? Well...I thought he'd do the same, but apparently he was upset that I said that, and didn't apologize 'correctly'.

When I told him it was a joke, but that I was sorry he felt bad about what I said, he told me that wasn't a proper apology. I disagreed, saying that I don't feel bad about joking with him, but I am sorry that he chose to get offended by it. And, to me, that's an apology.

Well...by the time we were able to bring in a therapist, Denise Wegeman of Sea Girt, (MSW, LCSW), she set us both straight but admitted we'd need a lot more sessions with her to undo 14 years of our bad habits!

To paraphrase what I think Denise was trying to tell us, she said that, first of all, when we are starting to get upset or angry with each other, we should have a code word. And it should be a 'different' or 'funny' word that might help diffuse the situation.

When you or your partner say their code word, that means you take a time out instead of reacting to each other. That break from the impending fight could be five minutes or five hours, but then you agree to come back together to discuss what was bothering you more calmly.

Then, you use only 'I' statements instead of saying what the OTHER person did. For example: AND look each other in the eyes (AWKWARD!!!)

Lou (using an 'I' statement):  I felt hurt and embarrassed, Liz, when you called me a loser.

Liz (now my job is to tell him I heard what he said): You felt hurt and embarrassed, Lou, when I called you a loser.

Then, I suppose, we should calmly discuss the problem and resolve it or apologize.

Eesh. Seems like a lot of work.

How do you argue? Are you good at apologizing? Do you prefer to stay angry and yell...and perhaps blame your significant other during an argument? Do you tend to hold a grudge or become resentful, or are you quick to forgive and forget?

Based on just these questions...I think we need a LOT more therapy!

If you think you could use the help of 'our' therapist, you can call Denise Wegeman at 732-359-0240.