In case you missed the news, retailer Abercrombie & Fitch has come under fire because of their CEO's outspoken bias against people who don't fit his standard of 'thin, beautiful, and cool.'

That CEO's name is Mike Jeffries, and I have a message for him.

Tim Boyle, Getty Images

Dear Mr. Jeffries,

It has come to my attention that your store, Abercrombie & Fitch, doesn't want me as a customer. You see, though I'm smaller than the average American woman, I'm still not a size 10, which is the highest your store goes. While I do believe I'm beautiful, I'm apparently not 'cool enough' for your clothes.

You said in a 2006 interview with Salon that, 'We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong.'

Well, let's see...I'm certainly all-American, since I've been here all my life and so have my parents...I think I'm generally a positive person, and well, I'm on the RADIO, so my attitude can't be all that bad, and as far as friends, well, I think my social circle has always been pretty extensive.

As for 'not belonging'? Well, other than the size thing, I'm still not sure if that applies. I'll have to get back to that.

You also said in that interview, 'we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.'

Again, I may not be a supermodel, but I'm certainly no troll. Without being one of those conceited, self-absorbed Abercrombie-CEO types, I'd like to think I'm pretty damn good-looking. My boyfriend (and certainly any dude before him) certainly seems to think so.

But hey, it's business. You're free to market to whomever you like. If you only want the 'cool kids,' well, to each his own. But for the 90% of us who weren't like, totally popular, and didn't like, have total access to Daddy's money and Gisele's genes, we're perfectly content spending our money elsewhere.

If I want really great jeans, there are about a million stores that are willing to sell me a size 12, or *gasp* a 14! More importantly, they will happily accept my money, and value my thigh-gapless legs and curvy ass.

Preppy button-downs and linen tops? Yeah there's a ton of other places for that stuff too. And your infamous flip-flops? Please, I live at the Jersey Shore, I have more Reefs and Havaianas than I know what to do with.

The thing is, you don't want the people who wear your clothes to be the 'cool kids,' you want them to be the 'douchey rich kids who think they're better than everyone.'

That doesn't make you cool. It's makes you douche-y. And no one likes a douche.

So you're right. I don't belong in your clothes. And neither does anyone else.

And by the way, you should use all the money you raked in from these poor souls over the years and sue your plastic surgeon. Cuz DAMN. For someone so demanding of physical beauty, you seemed to have taken a wrong turn. You're officially the old guy who's trying too hard. (Was that a douchey thing to say? Yes. But you deserve it.)

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries


Laurie Cataldo
Marlboro, NJ

Have a message you'd like to add for Mr. Jeffries? Tell us in the comment section below!